30 August 2011

How I Unfucked Myself: Guest Post from Dan Comp

What's up, ladies? My name is Dan and I am a close friend of young Peter Baker. You know, the kind  where you have both seen each other naked on more than one occasion and outside of the gym showers. Anyways, I was asked to share my story about a little medical condition I suffered from which kept me out of the gym for 9 months. I think it would be best to start from the begining of my gym endevours.

In late 09' I deceded to no longer be a pussy and join the rest of the men in the gym. I had little to no knowledge of proper techniques so I asked Mr. Baker to train me. (and for a nominal fee, he agreed). We started off with the basics, you know, bench press, curls (for the girls), barbell rows, weighted dips, and pullups. All was going swimingly at first, I was gaining serious strength and mass in a faily short amount of time. Unfortunately, 6 months into my new routine I started having issues with my stomach. I found it very difficult to keep food down. At first, I figured this was attributed to a high level of stress so instead of going to a certified Medical Practitioner, I thought it was best to wait it out. Have better decisions been made? Probably. About a month into it, I started to see specialists. Unfortunately, they had no answers either. By month three, I had lost all hope. I lost all the weight I had put on, and all the strength I had gained. This continued for 6 more months when I finally found a Dr. (one where their office  was not located in the back of a station wagon) who diagnosed me with "gastroparesis". What this is, is an inability to properly digest food.

Long story short, I am on an asshole load of medication but back in the gym. I just hit my one year mark in the gym and had some massive improvements in both size and strength. I currently go to the gym 6 times a week becasue I am no pussy. I go, and I lift heavy fucking weight which was entirely against the Dr's recommendations. Why? Because I don't care. I felt 100 times worse not in the gym, than I did throwing up. I think that getting into a balls out workout routine actually has helped. It reminds me everyday that I am in control of what effects me and what does not. Somedays I still wake up and feel just balls terrible, but I fucking suck it up and go anyways.
Life is too short to be a bitch. 

Editor's Note:  Dan provided me with some of the most enjoyable times I had at our former place of employment, and we were constantly getting reprimanded due to saying offensive things.  At one point, a coworker quit because of our ribald humor.  I call it a win.  Dan is currently finishing up his criminology degree at the University of South Florida, and intends to be a US Marshal.

22 August 2011

How to get Staqt on a Budget

Hello, friends and detractors.  It's been a long time since I have posted anything.  The way I see it, is that I haven't had any inspiration since my last post in May, and would rather post something worth a fuck, than waste your time and my time.  I have left the music store full time, and moved on to another job that I don't like as much, but will allow me to have a steady income that will allow me to eat a decent amount of food and do some responsible things.

That said, for the first time in a long time I am a member of a gym that isn't a part of my university.  Prior to this past Friday, and since I graduated last August I had to be extremely charming, deceitful and deft to gain access to gyms continually for free.  Sometimes it was a royal pain in the ass, but I managed to do it because I like to lift so much.  Having access to a shitload of kettlebells also makes life a lot easier as well. 

My new home. They don't give a shit that I have chalk, and the clientele range from normal people to competitive Bodybuilders and powerlifters, and even some roid users.  
That is my new home.  In addition to them not giving a shit about chalk, they also have a monolift, a veritable cornucopia of bands and chains, and a platform for deadlifting, and a box that will allow me to box squat slightly below parallel.   All in all, I am glad to be at a gym and not looking for free passes all the time and not eating much food.  For those of you in a bind financially, I will tell you how to cheat the system both diet wise, and Iron wise. 

In order to get the most out of your lifting, you have a few different options.  Option one would be to go to college, spend thousands, and use their gym for free and maybe learn some cool shit in the mean time.  For those who can't, you have other options.  Get good at handstand pushups, and save up for kettlebells, for starters. 

To get your barbell and dumbbell lifting on, the first step would be to find all the gyms in your area and make a comprehensive list of them.  Second, scour the internet for coupons to these gyms.  Most of the chain gyms, like Lifestyles, Anytime fitness, et. al. have week long trial memberships.  Usually, they will have what you need to get your essential lifts in, but they will just be lame enough to shoot down a pushy salesman with a barrage of reasons why you shouldn't join the gym. 

Some of the bigger cities will have the same gym within minutes of either side of where you might live, making it twice as easy to lift for a period of a few weeks, for free. 

Some places will have you enter an email address, and if you can get a few email addresses to your name, then you can get day passes that way.  If you are in the Brandon, or Plant City area, I know you can get away with this for at least five day passes at Fitness for $10.

Another option would be to get some friends.  Once you attain friends, make sure at least one of them has a membership to UFit.  Most of their plans allow for a free guest.  Which is good for you, provided you and your friend can be reliable on meeting times. 

Another trick that worked for me, more often than not, was to keep my student ID.  It wouldn't scan, but the staff at USF often it attributed it to their machines fucking up.  I was also able to get in free with friends, by virtue of being an instructor at USF kettlebell.  I might still go back occasionally, because their plates were very good for curling. 

Now, onto diet tips for when you have only enough money to go to a job that pays you just enough to get there and back.  The key thing is to not buy bullshit.  As much as I love Poptarts, you will be better off buying a dozen eggs, in lieu of the pastries. 

Speaking of eggs, I normally don't promote a lot of vegetarian things, but opting toward a lacto-ovo style of eating is definitely cost effective.  You can even buy good quality eggs for under three bucks a dozen at Publix, and still manage to eat enough to get your protein requirements. 

Other good sources of protein, and something I've grown quite fond of include Chobani Greek Yogurt.  Don't be a pussy, eat it by the quart.  One quart of plain Chobani Greek yogurt yields 92 grams of protein and is under three bucks for the quart.  If you want to get real clever, make your own yogurt and save more money.  I have not done it yet, but I plan on it soon. 

Other fat and protein sources I enjoy are Planters unsalted mixed nuts.  One can yields about a thousand calories, and if my memory serves me correctly, 72 grams of protein.  

And, if you are not a vegetarian, opt for meat with the bone still in it.  It's cheaper, and adds more flavor.  My favorites include lamb, and chicken thighs. Both are cheap as fuck, and taste great and have great fat to protein ratios. 

I realize that the better part of this post comes across as me being an asshole.  And not only does it come across that way, but it would be a true statement.   I, however, do not give a fuck and don't feel too bad about using an offered free membership to a gym that will wind up fucking over some consumer later on in life, or using facilities that took a shitload of my money in the past.  If you have a high moral standard, get really good at bodyweight exercises or stay sedentary. 

Sometimes I think about what would happen if she and I got together with a quart of Chobani yogurt, red wine, and about ten hours to kill.