16 October 2010

Walking is not exercise, unless you are a fat motherfucker or crippled.

Appropriately enough, this was the first image I found when I googled "fat motherfucker."
Walking is not exercise.  Walking is how you get from point A, to point B.  Jesus walked.  For some reason, he felt it not necessary to use his omnipotence to craft a Delorean to get his family the fuck out of Bethlehem.  Sometimes I walk.  I usually go somewhere when I do.  I and most normal thinking people would never say "I am going to work out," and then start walking to do so.

Why is walking not exercise unless you are a fat motherfucker?  Because it cannot stimulate your heart enough to do anything worth a shit for your body.  We all know that moving weight continually will accelerate your heart rate.  And if your fat, and you walk, you have a lot of weight to accelerate, so it might actually do your heart something good.  Especially since, if you are fat, most likely you aren't used to doing much of anything.

And even if you are fat, you can't out walk a few pizzas.  
And if you are fat, here are a few things you can do besides walking to get better at life, and less fat.  The first thing is called a get up.

As you can see from this video--28kg is about 62 lbs, by the way, which you will note is around half her bodyweight--the point is to get up.  She is using a kettlebell, but it can be done with a barbell, a sandbag, a human, or weightless.

The latter is how we are worried about it today.  If you are in dire need of weightl loss, lie down on the floor, and get up til you are standing, and don't worry about holding anything.  Your body will be moving against gravity, and against your lack of will power, which will be your biggest obstacle.  Do it for time.  If you are skinny, learn how to a getup from a trainer, and do it with weight for time.  Increase weight as necessary.

Another exercise good for all of us would be squats.  If you are fat, you will do them with your bodyweight. 

Knees behind toes (for the most part, it's a little different with everyone), ass back, look straight.  Do these for time, for reps, or however you feel like.  Just do them.  If you are skinny, add weight.  Do them on one leg.  Just do them.  If you don't wish to walk, do these exercises, and your heart rate will go up, and you will start to get better conditioning, if you need it. 

If you are a fat powerlifter, stop using the excuse that it helps you lift more weight, and eat something sensible and swing a goddamn kettlebell.  It will make your deadlift go up. 

Not a fat powerlifter.  

In conclusion, none of you reading this (unless you are huge) should be walking for exercise.  If you are cripple it goes without saying that walking is tough, but the rest of you have no business.  If you are fat, take the stairs, and learn to squat, and learn to get up. 


  1. I am fat, and crippled, and I dig kettlebells. So keep your mom off the street bitch and there won't be no problem :)

  2. I seriously doubt all fat people are actual motherfuckers! This would be suprising to me. Do you have any statistical evidence to back up this claim lol!

    To the author of this article there are many things better to do then just get-ups and squats if one wants to lose weight. Also it's well known walking isn't a great calorie burner so what else is new? I think your way oversimplifying walking and it's effect on people. It's far more beneficial then you make out and has it has been said by Stuart Mcgill one of the worlds most prominent Spine Biomechanists that walking is very good for back health.

    Seriously if you want to write an article, using such crude insulting language isn't the best way to get across your message. If that worked every kid who was ever called fat would become miraculously thin not long after!

  3. Yes, there are better things to do than get-ups and bodyweight squats if you must lose weight. However, if you are in dire need of weight loss due to being obese, you can start with what you have--your hulking frame. And you can get a lot done with merely that. Once it becomes challenging or stops working, you change your stimulus for further gains. I'm not arguing against walking, champ. I walk often. I do, however, think that walking as a form of exercise isn't good for most people, unless you are in dire need of weight loss.

    Furthermore, should everyone walk? Yes. I detest those who take elevators--except for the crippled or those hauling heavy cargo--as it perpetuates laziness.

    Moreover, if let us say, Jonathon Swift (author of "Modest Proposal") had not used the language of extremity that he did in the previously stated work, then his point would have been lost in the bowels of history.

  4. I think a lot of people are also just very naive and clueless. Someone might tell them, "Walking is a great exercise!" and they'll believe it. Most of them find out pretty soon that it won't do much of anything for them, though. That is, if they actually want to lose weight in the first place.

  5. Walking can be a good start, one doesn't have to be obese to be sedentary and it's a simple way to get moving. There are a lot of people (the majority in fact) who fall between the obese folks pictured who would have a hard time walking three miles at 4 mph and amazing 123 lb kettlebell girl. At least walking is something physical almost everyone can do. Losing weight is mostly diet anyway.