Don't forget to breathe

In some beliefs--beliefs that we are not exposed to out here in the west but you readers out in the East (if I actually have any) might be familiar with--there is a story that posits that at the base of our spine lies a coiled line of energy.  It is sometimes visualized as a serpent, and is called Kundalini.  I am sure Western language fucked up the translation, as is usually the case, but either way it has something to do with coiling. 

And this energy is coiled in the base of our spine.  We can, however, awaken this energy and use it to our advantage.  Through Pranayama--breath mastery--we can awaken this energy, and if done properly, this serpent will rise out of our body, along our spine and explode from the top of our heads, leading us to what Rudolf Otto calls the "Mysterium Tremendum et Fascinans," or a fearful and fascinating experience with that which is wholly other. 

Rudolf Otto, who looks like a deep thinker in this picture, wrote "Idea of the Holy," and it is his seminal work and has never gone out of print. 

What does all this serpent stuff have to do with anything?  Aside from being creative with their imagery and story telling, the yogis who originally crafted this idea clearly knew the importance of breathing and spinal health.  Once we are aware of how to breathe, simple deduction can tell us that even something simple like changing the way you breathe can potentially improve your posture.  

Try this:  breathe, while looking in a mirror.  If you breathe shallow, your shoulders will rise.  You do not want this.  If this happens to you, stand straight, with your back against the wall, and take a deep breath.  The wall will not allow you to raise your shoulders, and if you place your hand on your stomach you should feel it fill with air.  This is what you want.  You can also get the same effect by lying down. 

If you have ever sang before, you probably already know how to breathe into your belly.  Death Metal singers do it all the time.  Actors as well must know how to breathe properly.  For these types of artists, their throats are vital to them, and proper breathing does not strain the throat like shallow breathing potentially can.   If you should ever find yourself having to raise your voice, do it from your gut and notice the difference as opposed to screaming from your throat. 

Mikael Akerfeldt--Mastery of breath and singing allows him to growl from his gut and sing very cleanly from his gut as well, with minimal strain on his throat, allowing him to tour regularly.

And as it relates to lifting, breathing deeply will allow you to maximize your intra-abdominal pressure so you that you can lift heavier shit. 

Some things that will help you on your road to breathing include trying to breathe through your nose whenever possible.  We have a filter in our throat that filters out the shit in the air, but our nose hairs can help filter out crap as well, so breathing in through the nose gets the air double filtered.  To control your breathing you can also try something called a breathing ladder.  I forgot where I heard of this, but most likely it was on Dragon door website and the idea is that you start at one repitition of a kettlebell swing and  you match breaths with it--one rep, set it down, one breath, two reps, set it down, two breaths, and so on.  And you ascend the ladder avoiding at all costs your desire to suck massive amounts of wind.  I have done these before and if you can master your breath this way, you can get more out of your training.

Once you get good at belly breathing, you can practice full breathing.  This will allow you to maximize your breathing potential, and hopefully awaken the serpent within. 

Walking is not exercise, unless you are a fat motherfucker or crippled.

Appropriately enough, this was the first image I found when I googled "fat motherfucker."

Walking is not exercise.  Walking is how you get from point A, to point B.  Jesus walked.  For some reason, he felt it not necessary to use his omnipotence to craft a Delorean to get his family the fuck out of Bethlehem.  Sometimes I walk.  I usually go somewhere when I do.  I and most normal thinking people would never say "I am going to work out," and then start walking to do so.

Why is walking not exercise unless you are a fat motherfucker?  Because it cannot stimulate your heart enough to do anything worth a shit for your body.  We all know that moving weight continually will accelerate your heart rate.  And if your fat, and you walk, you have a lot of weight to accelerate, so it might actually do your heart something good.  Especially since, if you are fat, most likely you aren't used to doing much of anything.

And even if you are fat, you can't out walk a few pizzas.  

And if you are fat, here are a few things you can do besides walking to get better at life, and less fat.  The first thing is called a get up.


As you can see from this video--28kg is about 62 lbs, by the way, which you will note is around half her bodyweight--the point is to get up.  She is using a kettlebell, but it can be done with a barbell, a sandbag, a human, or weightless.

The latter is how we are worried about it today.  If you are in dire need of weightl loss, lie down on the floor, and get up til you are standing, and don't worry about holding anything.  Your body will be moving against gravity, and against your lack of will power, which will be your biggest obstacle.  Do it for time.  If you are skinny, learn how to a getup from a trainer, and do it with weight for time.  Increase weight as necessary.

Another exercise good for all of us would be squats.  If you are fat, you will do them with your bodyweight. 


Knees behind toes (for the most part, it's a little different with everyone), ass back, look straight.  Do these for time, for reps, or however you feel like.  Just do them.  If you are skinny, add weight.  Do them on one leg.  Just do them.  If you don't wish to walk, do these exercises, and your heart rate will go up, and you will start to get better conditioning, if you need it. 

If you are a fat powerlifter, stop using the excuse that it helps you lift more weight, and eat something sensible and swing a goddamn kettlebell.  It will make your deadlift go up. 

Not a fat powerlifter.  

In conclusion, none of you reading this (unless you are huge) should be walking for exercise.  If you are cripple it goes without saying that walking is tough, but the rest of you have no business.  If you are fat, take the stairs, and learn to squat, and learn to get up. 

Your back hurts? Quit fucking whining and fix it part 2

If you all recall, last time we talked about how having no ass can lead to back problems.

Read it,  and look at the following pictures of Hank Hill for a summary. 

In this episode, Hank had to race his lawn mower, almost couldn't because his back started to hurt, and when he went to the doctor, he got diagnosed with Diminished Gluteal Syndrome and had to wear a fake ass.  

This is a real ass, to contrast with Hank's false orthotic ass. 

One of the other key ingredients to living a life free of back problems is to have a strong waist.  In fitness today, people call it "the core," as if it has some sort of esoteric significance.  Which, it does, but not because it is called the core.  And FYI, training on a goddamn bosu ball is not gonna do jack shit for your core.

Doing crunches will not do anything for your midsection either, and might irritate your back.  So save the pansy shit for your spin class.  If you must lie down, only to raise yourself back up again, do a sit up, with weight, and use your hips, too.   Other options to strengthen your core include:  Walking with a heavy weight, picking a heavy weight up off the ground, holding a heavy weight over your head.  Another viable option is to use an ab wheel, something I enjoy doing and use often.

According to "Intra-abdominal pressure increases stiffness of the lumbar spine" (Read it here)  Intra abdominal pressure increases stiffness in your lumbar spine during heavy lifting.  To translate, if you pressurize your breathing, your spine won't break like a match stick.  And how do you get better at intra abdominal pressure? By activating your core. 

If you try to slap her for useless exercises, a sharp exhalation when you make contact will cause intra abdominal pressure and put tension into your movement, and if your lucky will knock her out.

 Another important aspect of this equation is your breathing.  If you breathe correctly, you should feel your abdominal muscles tighten.  Here's an experiment.  Think of anytime in life you had to lift something heavy, and note that your gut reaction was to hold your breath.  With your breath held properly, you have tension in your diaphragm and this will cause pressure on your abs.  You are "bracing for a punch," as Pavel says.  Pavel also goes in depth with breathing by having you hiss through your teeth--since you are exercising you cannot hold your breath, you have to "breathe behind a shield," and the hissing method accomplishes this.

Breathe behind the shield, comrade.

The best way to think of it is as if you are a house.  Something I have told many people who have started on their strength journey was to imagine a house.  The foundation must hold up a shit ton of weight, so the foundation cannot be weak.  If the foundation is weak,  your house will fall. If you, the human, try to hold up a shit load of weight, and your important areas are lacking, you will fail, meaning you will get injured, or worse, not lift the weight and set a PR.   Any of the above movements I mentioned will train all the areas as a unit, including those areas we touched upon in part one.  In sum:

In heavy lifting, squeeze your ass, pressurize your abs, and lift.  Be it overhead, or off the ground, stay tight and provide a good foundation for your lifting.

Part 1
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

The pitfalls and possibilities of group training

For the better part of a few years, throughout the majority of my training, I have trained with a stellar group of people.   Well, more like a couple that were steady and always willing to do the work and stragglers who may or may not have been swell to have around, but they eventually faded away.  As a human, chances are you have competed in something before.  Whether you are a man or a woman competing with other men for a cheap lay in a bar, or you have competed in a ping-pong tournament, or you have competed for academic honors you have competed. 

For this cheap slut, the winner must have a large wallet.  Wallet+Trampstamp+an already cheap slut=The Clap.  Congratulations, you win a doctor's visit. 

If you follow philosophical thought, Friedrich Nietzsche espoused this theory of the will to power.  One way--out of so many vastly incorrect ways--to interpret this is that humans don't merely adapt to survive and live and in complacency, but that the human will try to get better and better and become a master of its surrounding world, and also be a master of its reality.

The will to get better and not settle for mediocrity is why he had a bad ass mustache.

 
One way for a group of motivated people to get better is to compete with other people in sports.  If I were to compete in sports against someone--say in powerlifting--I sure as fuck don't want some piece of shit to beat me, so then that is my motivation to win, and to get better. I would be less likely to achieve the best I could achieve if I didn't have to assert my will to power over other people.  By the way, I say "piece of shit" regarding my competitor in jest, as in actuality these people might be my friends, or family.

If any of you remember the classic movie "Pumping Iron," we can recall that Arnold and Franco and the rest were all good friends, and ate together and partied together.  And the fact that they trained together made them try harder.  But when they stepped on the Olympia platform, they wanted to beat each other, and the process to exert their will over the competition started long before the competition--In Arnold's Encyclopedia of Bodybuilding the Oak relates how the guys wouldn't show off their physique before a competition, but in order to weaken and demoralize their opponents, Franco Columbu would run around in shorts and show off how great he looked. 

Franco was Arnold's best man at his wedding, but they still competed against each other at the Olympia's. 

Overall the group dynamic was a good thing for these guys.  Sometimes, group training is not always that fun, and it can leave you pissed off and demoralized.  I have read of others having training partners who were nothing but whiny little pussies, but I didn't think it would affect me ever, until recently when some slackers started showing up to my group.  Now, when I say slackers I mean, people who barely do anything and wonder why nothing is happening, when they didn't listen to instructions, or advice that was freely given out.  Other times some people decide to take it easy because they worked out super hard, or maybe even maxed out a lift the day before.  There is a difference. 

The bad people in your group can distract you or other people from making any progress (though you can ignore them, if you got the willpower).   The key to dealing with them?  You can always expel them from your group.  If you are a university club, it's not likely.  So what is the next best thing?  Ignore the problem and focus on what you want to do, and find others who you will motivate and be motivated by within the group and let the asshole be a pariah for the duration of your lifting session.  In the end, only you can fuck your own goals up. 

Pauline Nordin knows how to get shit done. 

If you can't make the time to train, you're a goddamned liar

I used training in the title, but this applies to almost anything that humans tell themselves they need (or want) to do.  Being that I started a weightliftingand that I teach guitar, I once thought that all the excuses I heard from people were different, regarding their time.  For both endeavors, people will make the most absurd excuses as to why they cannot commit to the activity.  In my circles, school work and jobs come up the most often. 

In spite of all these excuses, what the person who says they do not have time to train or practice is saying is as follows:  "I thought this would be easier than it is, and it turns out I am wrong.  I promptly need to get fucked now because I can't assess any undertaking, and I see no value in this activity." 

If you make excuses like those above, you are just as worthless as this fuck rag (Lindsay Lohan).

I am going to give you a list of things you can do to manage your time better, because for some people it seems to be an insurmountable task.  As a preliminary, taking time to do an activity--we will say training in this case--is not something you do outside of your normal life.  Your normal life encompasses training, and other meaningless shit comes later.   If you are fat, and need to train, saying you are sick and that you are going to a party later is not a valid excuse, unless you want to settle for the mediocrity you are destined to achieve. 

1. Stop watching TV.  Or, if you are completely worthless, watch TV on the internet.  You'll save time by not watching commercials. 
2.  Don't eat out often.  Driving to a place, parking and waiting takes time.  Even fast food restaurants are not worth the wait anymore. 
3.  Learn to cook.  You'll save money.  You'll eat better and you will feel better.  In short, learning to cook equals a less worthless you. 

Learn how to cook stuff like this on your own.  If you can't learn how to cook, you should learn how to fire a gun and blow your own head off. 

4.  Invest in some of your own shit to lift.  Your body is a good one, you can also get a kettlebell, or a barbell.  Ideally, while you are waiting for your food to cook, lift said weights. 
5.  Read more.  About any subject. Like cooking or lifting, to name two.  You'll get smarter.  And it will help you not watch TV.  (See 1).

6.  Don't check your phone and email so damn much. 


If you can't follow any of these instructions to get some training in, you really do suck at not cheating yourself.  Get some character, and make an effort to train, and make it a part of you.  And as a bonus tip, if you must, break up an hour long session into four fifteen minute sessions if you "really do not have the time."

Your back hurts? Quit fucking whining and fix it, Part 1

I was at the gym one day and I saw a guy doing something between a pullover and a lat pull down on the lat pull down machine.  There was a minuscule amount of weight on the machine, to top it off.  But this motherfucker thought he was really gunning his lats, I am sure.  Oh, and he had a weight belt on too.  What pisses me off is that I cannot find a hyperbolic picture to convey the message.

He and I had a brief conversation:

Me: Why are you wearing a weightbelt on this machine? And what's with the paltry amount of weight?

Idiot:  I hurt my back.

Me: I invited you to come lift kettlebells with me and the group. You really should, it will strengthen your back.

Idiot: I know man, but it's too hot outside.


I left, at that comment.  I live in Florida, for those who are unaware, and it is usually miserably hot outside.  However, if you train outside as often as you can, you get used to weather variations.  So, in short, he was making excuses.

Part of the problem of people whining about back problems (and I mean whining, I am not talking about people with slipped or herniated discs and what not, though they can use some back strengthening too) is that they don't have an ass.  This comes from sitting a lot.  Your ass is responsible for extending your hips.  If you got no ass, it's your fault.  And as a result  your lumbar will take the brunt of whatever external load you have to lift, whether it is in everyday life or in the gym.  Too much pressure, not distributed equally means you are fucked.

I bet Jaime doesn't have back problems.

This is just goddamn hideous.  

A technical term for this is called "gluteal amnesia."  The chick directly above looks as if she has "gluteal go fuck yourself I will never help you."

So what the hell do you do to fix this? I don't recommend going and start deadlifting yet.  Even though deadliftin is the shit.  Some things you can do to become aware of your glute include sex, kettlebell swings, hip thrusts, and bridges.  If you are a woman, take up pegging and become aware of your glutes.

This is what pegging is.  When you thrust in, act like you are trying to pinch a coin with your ass cheeks. 

  Here is the inventor of the hip thrust explaining how and why this is a good ass exercise.  Also, he wrote a 600 plus page opus on glute training at www.thegluteguy.com.  



Bridging is a good exercise not just for the glutes, but the spine as well.  Every time I ever overdid it on deadlifts and hurt myself, bridges always sped up my healing process.  Gymnasts know this stuff, and you can find information on it anywhere with a google search.  Here is an example of bridging movements.  (www.legendarystrength.com)

Fix these problems, and you can start working your deadlifts and stuff. I talk about kettlebell swings a lot, but I will include a video for completeness.


Spot on instruction on how to swing and not suck at it.  Remember, the bodyweight shit is the stuff you do before you hit the weights.  Especially if your back is really fucked up.  Don't lift a heavy weight until you are ready, and stop complaining about your back and do something to fix it.  Incidentally, bridging and hip thrusts and kettlebell swings can be done in your house.  So you literally have no excuse.

Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

The missing link (your lats)

As much as I would like to pontificate about whomever the hell this is, I will not.  The missing link I am talking about is in your training.  Here is the missing link in common movements:

Your lat muscles.  This particular set belongs to Dorian Yates.   Lat muscles are involved in pulling heavy shit.  But what many do not know, except for seasoned bench pressers, and strength coaches that are worth a shit, is that your lat muscles can help you crank out more push-ups and help you bench or military press higher weights.   And if you know how to use them, they can help your deadlifting too.

One way to have your lats come help you is to figure out how the hell to consciously use them.  Stand in front of your counter and stick your hand straight out and try to press your hand through the counter. It won't work.  Then run your opposite hand down your side, starting from your armpit and you will feel your lat muscle.  Step one is complete.  Now, you can do exercises to make them stronger, and stronger lats yield stronger pulls and presses, which I and others have said before are the basis of any good program.

Pull-ups or chin-ups are great for your lats.  If you can't do them, get a friend to help.  You'll be glad your did.  You will also notice your biceps getting a nice workout too.  But to concentrate on the movement and being aware of your lats, act is if you are pulling with your elbows.  It's silly, but it works.

Now that you are aware of them and are hopefully making them stronger, here's how you use them to help your pressing.  If you are bench pressing, do it with your feet on the ground with your shoulders and ass touching the bench, like you are supposed to do.  And for the love of God, keep your goddamn head touching too.  When you break the bar, lower it controlled style, and act like you are trying to break the son of a bitch as you press it up.  Notice the difference.

If you are overhead pressing, it helps to imagine that you are pushing yourself away from the bar, or kettlebell.  Once this simple cue comes to you, you will feel your lat working at the press.  Another way to learn to engage the lat in pressing overhead is the bottoms up kettlebell military press.

Here I am with my friend at our kettlebell club, and we are both bottoms up pressing a 32kg kettlebell.   FYI I am not the one wearing the singlet. 

 And for fuck's sake, if you are gonna do this movement, and have never done it, find an RKC kettlebell instructor or email me because I don't want any of you to hurt your fucking faces trying to do this.

Here is how you can maximize your deadlifting potential with your lats.  Sort of.  One of the things to think about when deadlifting is your grip.  I mean think about it when you go for a maximal effort lift.  If you actively grip the fuck out of the bar, you'll feel your lats flex, which will aid in the lift.  This could be the difference between a red or a white light at a competition.  Do this every time you deadlift, whether you pull conventional or sumo or use a trap bar, or what have you.   Learn about your lats, and improve in life and lifting.